you're crazy! i'm your daughter
when will i learn? i keep betting on losing dogs and they lose! they always fucking lose! and i get my own feelings hurt. its a cage of my own making and i can't find my way out. i should know better and yet everyday i wake up wondering maybe today would be different. is that insanity? i do feel insane.
i would like to stop remembering, to stop thinking about all the ways i failed as a daughter. at some point i have to learn to take responsibility for my own life, i'm a little bored of attributing my issues to my parents. this is one version of the world and i feel by repeating this narrative over and over again im giving it more control than it deserves. i am not helpless!
even if its for a short while, i need to go away. staying here in all the ways i mean that: staying in my current job, staying in my childhood home, staying in singapore, staying in this particular story that i have given myself is killing me. the throat burns and the eyes stings and im done. i want to live! i really do! i love people, i love love, and i love the world. and i want more for myself.
this is a plea to the universe, if you can hear me. please let me find a way out of this, all i can promise is that i'll stay and see it through.