poor financial decisions
11/11 just passed, and i succumbed to the consumerism drive and spent over $1,000 in a day. which made me think about my spending habits, i've been budgeting and tracking my expenses more consistently since the start of the year. looking back at each month's income/expenditure breakdown has been illuminating. i've learnt that if i'm not mindful of money i tend to spend more than i earn. lifestyle creep is real, i used to work in a charity and was paid well below the market rate and still i was able to live a full life (i.e. meeting friends, going for arsty happenings, get tattoos and travel). when i changed jobs and the new job paid more, i thought i would be able to save more. which is true, i do have more in my savings account compared to 2023 hilda. but i spend so much more too! if i were to unpack where the overconsumption habit comes from... i would say its a desire to fill the emptiness i feel from my work. i don't feel all that emotionally fulfilled and so i keep looking for escape routes.
a good example is exercise, i thought okay i should get a personal trainer and get into weight lifting / strengths training. until now i have not reached out to any gyms to arrange for that. i've bought a aerial yoga package that i have not used. also in august, i signed up for a qigong class and crashed out after two lessons refusing to go back to complete the course. again i thought that muay thai would be the solution (was hooked by the instagram ads) and bought a trial package of three lessons. i went for one class and skipped the remaining two. if you were to put a gun to my head and interrogate me: why didn't you complete what you paid for? i don't have a answer for you. inertia maybe? there's a conflict between my ideal self and the actual person that i am. i make impulsive decisions that align with the expectations i have of myself. yet when it comes time to actually act on it, i regret so much and avoid. yes i wasted money and burned a couple of bridges. still i can't say definitively that i've learned my lesson and won't repeat this behaviour. so i decided to take a break from all fitness content and go for a health check up so i know realistically how am i doing.
how this relates to my relationship with money is that i spend like i'm dying tomorrow. i want so much! and i deal with it by spending so much! honestly keeping this blog has helped, it acts as a way of processing the inane thoughts that fly through my brain. almost giving it a structure to hold onto. this reminds me of a conversation i had with a friend where we talked about singaporean identity and values. he posited that singaporeans keep consuming because we don't create. that we chase trends because we don't want to stick out. and that by repressing our true selves, we become alienated from ourselves and easier to control. where that leaves me is that... i want to be more forgiving to myself, this is my first time being a human so i'm bound to cycle through the same narrative arc over and over again till the circle closes. in the meanwhile i'll take all this restless energy and channel it into art and community.