i'm sick of being sick!
funny story, i slipped and fractured a bone in my left foot and was given 3 weeks hospitalisation leave. i can't help feeling guilty for not working because i'm not completely incapable of work, it feels like im cheating the system. to be specific i feel like i'm letting down people i'm in the project team with, especially now that its peak season. also i just hate being sick/ill/injured - in any state where i'm out of control.
sure it's the internalised ableism where i've tied my identity and worth as a person to how economically productive i can be (thanks singapore!). another part of it is growing up as an only child, where i knew i had to find my own solutions because i didn't fully trust my parents. the silly part of me wants to attribute this to my sun in virgo and that i'm going through my saturn return (aries in 6th house).
the furthest i've been able to walk is from my bedroom to the living room. i'm starting to lose my mind a little staring at the same concrete walls day after day. to retain any semblance of sanity i have been distracting myself at every waking moment. whether its watching video essays on youtube, or reading substack newsletter and long overdue tbr books, or learning chinese and spanish, or listening to podcasts about poetry and the state of the world - to the point that my average screen time now is 12 hours a day. yes i know that staring at this black screen of doom for so long is terrible for my health but i don't want to sit with my thoughts. i want to run, but im stuck at home with a backslab on my left foot and crutches. all i can do is sit, or lie horizontal, or stand for a few short seconds. what else is there for me to do?
the longer i am away from work the more i dread going back. i want to be able to walk with my two feet again. yet i’ll miss the days where i have a good reason to languish at home.
the fall was unexpected, one moment i was walking to get dinner the next moment i landed on my leg weird and could feel a foreboding sensation that i wasn't gonna be able to bounce back from this as easily as i want to. it felt like a sign from the universe to not go hiking. the one time i decide to go on a more nature focused travel trip, i fall and have to cancel the trip. great! excellent! not like i’ve been looking forward to this trip since march.
anyways im trying to not be too bitter about the whole experience, so back onto the topic of my need for control, i felt it keenly during my consultation when the doctor told me im gonna get you a wheelchair so you don't put any weight on your left foot. and i was trying to negotiate with him that i didn’t need it, i could still walk. it was weirdly embarrassing sitting there in the waiting room knowing that i had to wait until someone called my name and wheel me to wherever i needed to be. i wanted to try learning how to use the wheelchair myself but hospital wheelchairs are not designed for someone to wheel themselves, either that or i don’t have enough experience to execute it well.
so many instances after i got onto the wheelchair i tried to exert my own agency and failed. i didn’t enjoy sitting there and having people talk over me as though i didn’t exist, that i needed to wait for someone available to push me or tell me what to do.
let’s just say this has all been a humbling experience. i don’t think i'm doing all that well but hey i'm gonna see the orthopaedic doctor next tuesday and hopefully he has good news. otherwise i'll just start crying in his office.